Dating Diaries 11: Back In The Saddle

Bags and bicycle packed in the trunk of my car, gas tank filled. It was 6:30 am and I was already on the freeway heading toward San Francisco. 


With each CD and every mile, I felt I was leaving behind the heaviness I had felt in my stomach the day before, and I was so glad I had a short vacation planned to visit some friends. Confidence, energy, and excitement filled me as I passed city after city. 


But the eight-hour trip was also good for some emotional processing . . . and yes, some tears.


One of my friends had looked at me with wide eyes and a held-back smile when I had told her I was crying over this guy. I know. I barely knew him. Why would I cry over him? But I was. 


I sent her a road trip selfie of me with a Starbucks and an (attempted) enthusiastic smile. Hey, I was trying!


The trip up to see my friends and their new baby turned out to be so fun. It was just good to be with people I love, have fun conversations, cook food together. Read books and sing to their baby. Take my bike out to ride around the bay. 


It was healing, and I still had some sad feelings on the drive down, but it was lessening. 


I stopped at a friend’s house right before I reached my hometown and we sat in their living room to chat about my trip in low voices (her husband had already gone to bed). 


“Why do I care this much about him?” I lamented with a laugh and embarrassed grin, shaking my head. We both laughed. Girls don’t even understand their own emotions, but we still respect them in each other. She smiled but nodded when I told her about the lists I was going to make the next day. 


And I did. I made a list about what I liked about him, and didn’t like. What went well in the few times we’d gone out, and what hadn’t gone well. And I ended my journaling with a category of what I would do differently next time.


My last sentence said: “This was a GREAT EXPERIENCE and I’m going to have more! Keep taking the risks!”


And I’m proud of myself. 


An older woman in my church wrote me an email this morning, entitled “You Are Courageous!” She said that she thought it took a lot of courage for me to walk away from a relationship that I wanted . . . but knew wasn’t best for me. She alluded to a time she hadn’t done that. She just wanted to encourage me and let me know how much she admired my strength.


Wow. I didn’t think of it as strength. Being emotional and sad feels weak. Soo weak. And I’m SOOO emotional. 


But she’s right. I did walk away from something I wanted . . . because I believed that I would walk toward something I want more. And that takes courage and strength. And HOPE!


I’m back on the dating apps, several chats in the running, phone date scheduled for tomorrow . . . 


I’m back in the saddle.


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