Dating Diaries

“Thank you,” he gently called out as I walked out the door of my gym. I couldn’t turn around and no words came out of my mouth. I just kept walking, all the way to my car and drove home . . . feeling that “palm to forehead” feeling the whole rest of the day . . . week . . . year!!! What was I thinking?? I had given him a letter. Yes, a hand-written letter introducing myself and asking about himself. Nothing awkward or weird per se . . . other than the fact that we had never really officially met and barely talked, and we both did shy little waves at each other across the gym . . . and that writing letters is more what . . . well, ten year old girls do with boys that they like!!! Ahhhh! I would give myself the dating age of around 13 years old, but one friend was generous enough to give me 16 or 17, so I’ll take it, haha.  In any type of psychology or child development book or class, there is always this concept of sequential developmental stages. Babies and children, for example, g...

Bags and bicycle packed in the trunk of my car, gas tank filled. It was 6:30 am and I was already on the freeway heading toward San Francisco.  With each CD and every mile, I felt I was leaving behind the heaviness I had felt in my stomach the day before, and I was so glad I had a short vacation planned to visit some friends. Confidence, energy, and excitement filled me as I passed city after city.  But the eight-hour trip was also good for some emotional processing . . . and yes, some tears. One of my friends had looked at me with wide eyes and a held-back smile when I had told her I was crying over this guy.  I know. I barely knew him. Why would I cry over him? But I was.  I sent her a road trip selfie of me with a Starbucks and an (attempted) enthusiastic smile. Hey, I was trying! The trip up to see my friends and their new baby turned out to be so fun. It was just good to be with people I love, have fun conversations, cook food together. Read books and sing to t...

I’m really thankful that my parents, though not perfect, taught us kids that sex is good and to be respected. They placed a high value on it, and never wanted us to feel ashamed. I feel that I developed early on a confident and healthy view of my own sexuality, and still have that view and self-respect today.  Yes, let me even take a moment to say thanks to my mom and dad for that! I remember a guy from my church boasting about “teaching” a girl less experienced (in the physical intimacy world) from his “much experience.” While repulsed and disgusted by his apparent delight in taking advantage of this girl, and even his own behavior with me, I did have the positive takeaway of honing in on what I’m looking for in a guy. I’ve also learned that not all guys are like that man. I can point to soooo many guy friends and family members who treat their own, their wives’, and other women’s sexuality with honor, and have great and healthy relationships.  To be honest, besides one situa...

Oh (sigh) . . . so the story.  I was so excited. Since he had bought dinner last time, I wanted to plan the next meal, so I invited him to an evening picnic at a grassy area by the bay. I planned to pick up take-out from a Thai restaurant, but I also wanted to add my own touch. So I spent the afternoon making spring rolls and a couple dipping sauces. I added a mason jar of freshly brewed iced tea to my bag, grabbed my just-washed picnic mat, and headed out the door to what I anticipated to be a fun (and maybe romantic) evening.  I got there a few minutes early to set out the mat and smiled up at him as he walked over. He had brought wine and poured each of us a glass. We toasted to the evening and began to enjoy the good food. Casual conversation flowed naturally.  We cleaned up as the sun began to set, and then sat facing the bay as other people slowly vacated the park. I pulled a blanket over my legs as the night breeze chilled and commented about how pretty the downtow...

So, I just want to give a fair warning that this post is going to start out pretty romantic, but then end up with a perhaps less-than-romantic surprising turn. And that’s just part of the learning I guess.  And so the romantic part . . .  The downtown in my buzzing city has found a way to comply with Covid dining restrictions while remaining open for business. A whole street has been closed off, allowing for outdoor seating of some of its best restaurants. And in the midst of social distancing regulations, the vibe is still electric and fun. Music plays on the street corners and lit-up pedicabs carry laughing parties to their destination. And as the sun began to tuck behind the high rises on a warm, breezy mid-July evening last night, the atmosphere was . . . well, romantic.  My date and I rode across town on electric-powered scooters, garnering smiles from those sitting out at high-top tables enjoying their drinks, and it was fun! We had reservations at a sushi plac...

Covid has made EVERYTHING challenging for EVERYONE in the world. You just have to say, “I was applying for this position, and then… covid” or “We had a trip to Italy all booked and then . . . corona” (both true for me, unfortunately!), and people understand. Life got interrupted and changed for everyone. But how do you date during the Covid19 pandemic?  I mean really, how do you DATE?? Haha.  I remember the first guy I went out with prepped our date with a really good question: “How are you feeling about the social distancing?” Oh yeah. The social distancing. To mask or not? Do you shake hands or hug? WHERE do you go? And how can you plan ahead to know what’s open? It became really normal and NECESSARY to bring up the topic before a date. One of my dating apps even has a filter for stating your social distancing preferences.  And suddenly people are forced to share their politics. I remember drafting a message to a guy saying that I was comfortable walking outside without...

In my dating interactions with guys, I’m often reminded of the movie Runaway Bride, where the female lead (played by Julia Roberts) has a pattern of dating a guy and eventually agreeing  to marry him, but in the end she runs away from her own wedding. The story reveals that she loses herself in the relationship with each guy, becoming who she thinks he wants her to be. Her preferences, tastes, hobbies, and choices all change based on the guy she is dating and in the end, she knows that the relationship is a fraud. She had to take time to figure out who she was before being able to fall in love and develop a real relationship.  This is not everyone’s problem, but it is definitely one that I’ve struggled with. I’m not always quick to speak up about what I want or what I think. I value adaptability and feel that being agreeable is polite. And those are GOOD qualities, but I’m learning to balance them with a brave commitment to truth and vulnerability.  By definition, vulnera...

Now please don’t judge me. I’m going to say something that may seem a little controversial. Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” presents a 6-month casual dating program that means dating people of different backgrounds (including those of different beliefs and values), and those that may not typically be my “type”. Since he says that the goal at this point is just to learn about different people and about myself, it really doesn’t matter if a guy fits a checklist of things that I’m looking for in a future partner.  This definitely challenged my own perspective about dating. For me, dating was only for finding a potential husband. The point was to find and get to know the man I would marry.  However, Cloud says that this kind of goal often ends up in unhealthy relationships. Not having the experience of getting to know people of different backgrounds can lead someone to stay stuck in certain unhealthy patterns (especially in choosing to date a certain...

Dating is a process… usually a LONG process with a lot of steps along the way. And often the process, and multiple steps, have more to do with personal growth than with actually dating. For example, I’m just casually dating, but in order to get a date, I need to have an effective profile on my dating apps, which means I need some profile pictures (you see how the multiple steps come into play). So, I set up a time with my friend who does photography and did my hair and makeup before meeting up with her. One goal right now is to just be positive and try everything, so I wasn’t putting a ton of stock into how the pictures turned out. I was just trying it. Let’s go. Let’s see. One step along the way of many. I had some errands to run after our appointment so by the time I got home, she had already uploaded the pictures and emailed me a link. Now, here’s a fair warning: I’m going to say something mean (not inappropriate, just mean). As soon as I opened the link, the first thought that came...

Guys and girls naturally have different hopes and concerns when it comes to dating. And one thing that I’ve learned girls have to be aware of (probably a lot more than guys) is safety. So, as I prepared for my first date of the dating app experience, I had two things in mind: 1) Let him lead, 2) Make sure there’s a safe plan.  The only problem was that while I was letting him lead (ask me out, decide when and where to go, etc.), he didn’t really let me in on the plan (though it seemed like it may have been clear in his mind). When my friends started asking where we were going, I had to keep saying I wasn’t sure. I had a general idea but not a specific. And, as we were meeting outside in the evening and going on a walk in an area with lots of trails (some with lots of people and some without), I had a little concern.  When I arrived, we got through the initial greeting without much awkwardness (even with Covid distancing), and I just kind of let him start leading the walk as we...

One point Dr. Cloud emphasizes in his book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” is the importance of getting together a support team as I walk through the dating process.  He says that the feeling of “falling in love” (with butterflies and all) is most likely triggered by some pathology (yes, pathology, hehe), something unhealthy in a person, that makes them attracted to a certain “type” of person.  He gives the great example of a girl who was only attracted to muscular men, and when she dug into the reasons why, she discovered that she only felt feminine with really masculine- looking (key word, “looking”) men. As she dealt with her own insecurities of her femininity, her attractions changed and she was able to date a lot of different guys and ended up falling in love with a guy that was totally not her “type” but a really good guy. But walking through all of these unhealthy parts within ourselves requires friends. Truth-speaking friends. Loving friends. Good friends. Wise frie...

So one positive effect of the horrible, no good, very bad year 2020 for me, is that I have the summer off! And with the summer off, I realized that I had more time to invest in dating than I’ve ever had. My mom introduced me to a dating book by Henry Cloud, “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and I noticed the almost-comical subtitle: “Be Dating in Six Months Or Your Money Back.” We read the questions proposed by Dr. Cloud on the back cover of the book: “Have you been waiting for the right one to come into your life?” and so forth, and laughed as we answered yes to many of his questions.  Okay, I told her, I’ll get the book, haha. And I was reading it within a few days.  The primary premise of the book is that in order to find that “right one,” it is ESSENTIAL to get your numbers up. He makes the logical argument that the more people you interact with, the more chances you have at finding someone who is a good match. It made sense to me so far. Got it, get my numbers up. And s...