Dating Diaries 4: Self Talk

Dating is a process… usually a LONG process with a lot of steps along the way. And often the process, and multiple steps, have more to do with personal growth than with actually dating.

For example, I’m just casually dating, but in order to get a date, I need to have an effective profile on my dating apps, which means I need some profile pictures (you see how the multiple steps come into play).

So, I set up a time with my friend who does photography and did my hair and makeup before meeting up with her. One goal right now is to just be positive and try everything, so I wasn’t putting a ton of stock into how the pictures turned out. I was just trying it. Let’s go. Let’s see. One step along the way of many.

I had some errands to run after our appointment so by the time I got home, she had already uploaded the pictures and emailed me a link.

Now, here’s a fair warning: I’m going to say something mean (not inappropriate, just mean). As soon as I opened the link, the first thought that came to my mind was: “If this is my best effort at a photoshoot, I must be REALLY ugly.” Yes, I know, this is mean.

I quickly washed the makeup off my face, got into workout clothes to do some yoga, made a homemade pizza I had just bought ingredients for and curled up on my couch to eat and watch a movie. I just wanted to get the pictures and the disappointment I felt out of my mind. Numb. Distract.

But I still absentmindedly found myself Googling hairstyles that would flatter my face shape while I was watching the movie. Finally, I had to turn off the movie and just deal with it. The thoughts.

I remembered something a good friend of mine said to me a few weeks back when I was saying how . . . (another “mean comment” warning) . . . how “stupid” I was in misreading a certain situation with a guy. “Stupid” was the primary feeling and the overwhelmingly loud word shouting in my head for several days after the encounter with this guy. And after multiple uses of this word, my friend who had listened and empathized with me patiently, finally added a PS in her final text: “And stop calling my friend names.” She added a wink face emoji to soften the reproof, but I got the point.

Oh man, self- talk. When I think of self-talk I picture that little angel on one shoulder and the demon on the other, the conversation (argument) between two voices that want to win out in my mind.

One voice is that extremely negative view of ourselves, the critical voice, that seems to feel free to say the most hurtful things, things that I would never tolerate listening to from another person. It wants me to believe things that are my worst fears or biggest doubts. And, it probably thinks that it’s trying to help me, tell the truth, or protect me.

But self- talk can also have other things to say, like “You’re beautiful,” “You’ve got this,” or “You did a great job!” But for some reason, this positive self-talk often gets silenced in my internal dialogue.

So, for me, the “next step” in the dating process is to stop right at the “profile pic” step and start dealing with my self-talk.

This probably looks different for everyone, but for me this includes personal journaling and processing with close and wise friends. I have to think through why I say the things that I do to myself, ask myself where the thought is coming from, and then hold it to a standard of truth.

I needed to ask myself what type of expectation I had of my physical appearance, and where I got that standard from. I needed to be honest with myself of how I can take care of my personal appearance to the best of my ability and then let go when it leaned toward unhealthy obsession.

I also need loving friends to speak truth to me. I need to listen to my team and support during this time. 

At the time, I didn’t even want to think of looking at the pictures again, but I needed to be brave and vulnerable enough to share them with a few friends and ask for honest feedback. And then TRUST them. Maybe it was a bad “picture day” and I can try again, or maybe there was one or two that was fine. I had to challenge my “all or nothing” thinking that if a few pictures were bad, I was completely ugly.

I also needed to challenge my downward spiral thinking, “Oh, now I get it. This is why I’m still single. I didn’t realize how ugly I am. Now I do. Then, what is the point of even making a profile? No one will want to date me . . . “ and so on.

I won’t take space here to write how I processed, but I can say that this was a significant step for me in the dating process, and I’m sure will continue to be. I realized that my personal self-talk probably has a lot more to do with dating than I realized. In fact, it is probably a WHOLE LOT MORE connected to my ability to date than getting a good profile picture!