Dating Diaries 6: Letting Him Lead, Being Vulnerable

In my dating interactions with guys, I’m often reminded of the movie Runaway Bride, where the female lead (played by Julia Roberts) has a pattern of dating a guy and eventually agreeing  to marry him, but in the end she runs away from her own wedding. The story reveals that she loses herself in the relationship with each guy, becoming who she thinks he wants her to be. Her preferences, tastes, hobbies, and choices all change based on the guy she is dating and in the end, she knows that the relationship is a fraud. She had to take time to figure out who she was before being able to fall in love and develop a real relationship. 


This is not everyone’s problem, but it is definitely one that I’ve struggled with. I’m not always quick to speak up about what I want or what I think. I value adaptability and feel that being agreeable is polite. And those are GOOD qualities, but I’m learning to balance them with a brave commitment to truth and vulnerability. 


By definition, vulnerability is being susceptible to attack, but I don’t think that it always represents weakness. In fact, I’m learning that it may require more strength and courage than I’ve ever thought. 


It’s being honest. It’s drawing a line that says “This is who I am (like it or leave it)” and being okay when people do leave it. Ouch! 


In going through this dating program, I’m becoming more comfortable saying what I like and who I am, and it’s been great!


A recent example is when a guy I was chatting with online asked if I wanted to do a Zoom date, which I really didn’t want to do (I am so Zoomed out from work and meetings). But I wanted to let him lead and not put down his idea, and I wanted to continue to get to know him. I felt stuck. 


I drove over to my friend’s house. She and her husband, happily married, had met online and had done a LOT of dating before they met each other, so I knew they had plenty of experience and good advice. We sat in the living room and analyzed every text! My guy friend finally asked me, “What is it you want, Emily?” It took me a little while to figure it out, but I finally admitted that I wanted to connect in person. “Then tell him that. He can lead better when he knows what you want.” 


It was an immediate epiphany. My past had been filled with voices that made women bad for speaking up or disagreeing, and I knew that conception of women was wrong, but it was still deep in my soul and needed to be worked out into reality. 


Speaking up is a form of vulnerability and honesty. Disagreeing is good. It’s being a real person. It’s natural and exciting for girls to be attracted to guys who lead, but I can’t confuse that leadership with a guy being controlling or dominating. And I can’t lose my own personhood. 


I’m still talking with the same guy, and we’re going on a second (in-person) date this week and I love it when he says “I’ll research some places” or “I’ll make reservations” . . .  it’s exhilarating to have him initiate and to be pursued. But he also invites me into the process, and I make sure to give ideas, state my preferences, my likes AND dislikes. And he respects them, appreciates them! And like so many other parts of dating, this interaction has been healing to my soul and past, giving me MORE courage to be vulnerable. 


And the learning continues!


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