Dating Diaries 17: Do I Like Him??

We’d just gotten back from my birthday celebration and peeked in my friend’s house to check on the kids. They were curled up with her husband on the couch watching a movie, so we sat on the front porch to enjoy the still summer evening. 

Earlier that night, my girlfriends had asked me about my love life. They constantly want an update (and pictures) of my dating stories . . .  the fun and laughable memories. In their own words, they love living vicariously through me. 

But this was just me and her. My friend of 18 years. My friend whose wedding I was in, whose babies I had visited in the hospital when they were born. Who had traveled with her husband to visit me in Thailand. . .  I mean, us three had been on college mission trips together before they were even dating. That friend. 

“How do you know when you like a guy?” I whispered with a shy smile, like we were ten-year-old girls sharing secrets in the school yard. She grinned as she looked at my face.

“If you like a guy, you know. And if you don't like him, just don't talk with him.” She made it sound easy (maybe misunderstanding my real question). No, I know if I DON’T like a guy, but how do you know when you DO? 

We talked about attraction and how different it is for girls from guys. I took in her words and insight. “You’ll know,” she assured me, ending our conversation as the kids came out to find us.  

I asked the same question the next day to a good friend that I work with as we carpooled to a beach retirement party. 

Like my other friend, she had been married since her early 20s and had pretty much grown up with her husband.

Finally walking along the boardwalk toward our colleagues under the E-Z Up’s, she said that she felt that a guy either gains or loses physical attraction when she gets to know him. “The guys that I initially felt butterflies for usually turned out NOT to be great guys” she confessed. 

I admitted to noticing the same in my own experience, but still wasn’t sure what to look FOR.

I mean . . . how do I know when I'm attracted to a guy?? (Is that a weird question??)

For me, guys that I like (beyond friendship only) are divided into two categories. 

One category are guys that I feel COMFORTABLE with, friends with, and like I could be my real self. I like that they respect or admire me, listen to me, and how I feel around them. And I respect their character. However, I usually hold little admiration or attraction for these guys and more just like being liked and feeling safe. 

The other category (in my mind) are guys who I feel BUTTERFLIES for . . . physical attraction or admiration. They usually have some qualities or life choices that I respect, and often a little more confidence than the other guy . . . and not quite as much puppy- dog interest in me. These guys make me really nervous and I am NEVER myself. I often feel that I need to get their approval, and then get quiet or close up. 

As I explained the dichotomy to my friend, she laughed. “I feel like you need something in the middle, a happy balance.” We talked through what that may look like.

My date that night was fun. The guy really fell into the first category. I felt comfortable, relaxed, mostly like I could be myself and we had a great conversation. My trust and respect for him was growing. His interest seemed obvious.

BUT . . . the only problem was that he had a really goofy sense of humor. And maybe it’s just a difference in humors (which is important), but every time he would laugh, or joke, or tell a funny story, his attractiveness (that’s a quality, right??) would go way down.

So does that matter???

The next day, I decided to make a little list of qualities that are seeming to stand out to me in the context of my conversations and experiences. 

It's important to me that . . .

1. I feel comfortable. It’s never fun to feel nervous or like I need someone’s approval. And it’s so important to be able to be my real and vulnerable self with someone. To feel that I can share anything in a safe, judgement-free zone. 

2. I feel attracted. This may be to physical appearance, personality, the way he carries himself or smiles, charm, style, or something else that draws me, but it is important to feel some attraction. I mean, I need to WANT to kiss him, right??

3. I trust him. Trust in his word, his consistency, his reliability. Trust takes time to build, but it HAS to be there. 

4. I respect or admire his character and life choices. This is probably highest on the list. I know it’s so important to a marriage for each partner to FEEL respect for the other. 

5. I have fun and connect. Friendship looks like it is the basis for all of the happy marriages I see. They ENJOY doing life together!

So, for right now . . . while each of these are just a piece of the puzzle (the pie), these are the qualities I’m looking for to know whether or not I LIKE a guy haha!! CATRF (Comfortable, Attracted, Trust, Respect, and Friendship). 

Yes, I’m using data, pies, and percentages . . . rather than a gut feeling and emotion, lol, like normal people . . . to measure if I like a guy!! Haha!

Well, that’s what I’m going to go with for now. 

Cheers to the learning. Cheers to the process.