Dating Diaries 19: “The Dorky Ones Are Keepers”

“The dorky ones are keepers,” my friend added a winky face emoji to her text, and I could hear her laugh in my mind. She was just one of the many married friends who had voiced their opinion about going for the guy I felt most comfortable with (and trusted) . . . over someone that I felt that “zing” of attraction for. 

And this lined up with Dr. Henry Cloud’s recommendation (in “How To Get a Date Worth Keeping”) to fall in love with someone’s character and ignore the butterfly feelings. 

And all of this “theory” is put into practice while I’m in the dating arena!

A guy I’m talking with and I recently discovered our mutual interest in playing the strategy game Settlers of Catan, and he asked if we could play an online version (Covid . . . need I say more?). We had so much fun! 

I later texted a friend: “I like him more and more every time I hang out with him.” And it was true. I didn’t feel butterflies, and still don’t (although I do get a little nervous with him). And I don’t know about attraction (or sometimes even what that means). But I like talking with him, admire him in a lot of ways, feel really comfortable around him, and my trust in him is growing over time. 

I HAVE experienced the “fireworks” feeling before. One guy recently and another guy several years ago. I’ve started dubbing these guys “Fireworks and Fire” . . . because of the immediate feeling of excitement and attraction and how fast the guys move . . . but my experience with these two guys was that there was a lot on the surface, but little deep down. I’m really thankful that the circles of friends I’m around were willing to point this out to me . . .  before I got burned. 

I recently read a statement on a guy’s dating profile that said, “Which is more important to you: Physique, Looks, or Success? . . . Be 100% honest.” I laughed out loud and almost wanted to judge it, but couldn’t. 

I can understand where the guy is coming from (and his desire to know what to focus on) but unfortunately, none of those qualities have anything to do with being in a relationship. But how and where do we learn this? And the ironic part was that the one thing HE wanted was honesty (“be 100% honest”), which was not a quality he mentioned. But again, I can’t judge this. 

One of my married guy friends says that he feels bad that so many guys have learned what they (mistakenly) think about relationships from TV and movies. And I will agree that girls are in that same boat, and I feel bad too. 

I don’t think anyone would date someone they consider to be ugly (I don’t think so, haha!) . . . and it’s probably good  for people to have similar commitments to how they take care of their bodies, fitness, health, etc. (for practical reasons, and mutual respect). 

And then success? My best guess is that he’s referring to success as in a “high profile” job (doctor??), and a “good income” (6 digits?) . . . 

But again . . .  physique, looks, and success (in this sense) really have nothing to do with a relationship. 

I started thinking about some frequent scenarios. 

Scenario 1: She’s still getting ready. He’s waiting at the door. She comes out, tearing up over how she looks, and goes back to change. They leave 30 minutes late. They’re both quiet in the car.

Scenario 2: He comes home from work and wants to veg. She’s ready to connect. She tries to talk with him and he keeps giving her short answers and looking at the TV. She finally decides to go out with some friends that night and has a great time. Comes home, gives him a quick uninterested kiss, and they fall asleep 2 feet apart from each other. 

Scenario 3: This was the third time this week his wife had let their 5-year-old have a cookie after not eating lunch. Their inconsistency in parenting was coming across as “good cop, bad cop” to their daughter who was learning how to play the game well. 

Scenario 4: They were driving back from church, both thinking about various conversations they had had, the sermon they had listened to. Neither of them saying anything. Getting home, she’s ready for a nap. He wants lunch. They make brief comments about what each are doing and go about their day. 

And I can think of THOUSANDS of other every day scenarios.

But none of these scenarios require the attributes of physique, looks, and success (in job/ income). 

Qualities that would GREATLY BENEFIT (in fact, MAKE or BREAK!) these marriages would be: communication, humility, faithfulness, positivity, question-asking, believing the best in someone, friendliness, keeping his/her word, consistency, fun, acceptance, patience, playfulness, non-judgmentalism, ability to overlook offenses or ask for forgiveness, curiosity, sincerity, gentle answers, conflict-resolution skills, humor, clear and attentive conversation, laughter, responsiveness, love, taking responsibility, initiation, self-control, joyfulness, vulnerability, smiling, honesty, giving the benefit of the doubt, trust . . . and thousands more.

Renowned pastor, Rick Warren, asks the question, “If being good-looking was a quality that could contribute to happiness in marriage, wouldn't we see the best marriages in Hollywood?” . . . But we unfortunately don’t. 

Right now, I’m learning the importance of looking for qualities that matter. I guess a takeaway for me is to try to BE a person that has these qualities . . . and to look for someone who values them as well.

So, maybe the dorky ones are keepers after all :)