Dating Diaries 20: Stonewalling, Yikes!

Well, for anyone who knows me, they can probably guess that I’m not dealing with a GUY who is doing the stonewalling. It’s me. 

Yes, it’s an area I need to grow in. For the longest time I didn’t even know what stonewalling was or that I did it. Maybe another word for it is withdrawing. And I do it. 

Of course, I hate it. I wish I didn’t. I never do it intentionally, or to be mean or controlling, but always out of an instinctual reactionary self-protectiveness. It just happens without me even knowing it. 

It’s kind of like a sea anemone getting poked. When I get poked, everything just kind of closes up. Closes in. 

And the most hilarious, not hilarious really, sad thing . . . is that I always think no one notices . . . while EVERYONE notices! 

Maybe that’s a good thing. 

I dated a guy several years ago for about four months, and in retrospect we had a great, communicative relationship. We got along really well and I loved how much we talked . . . about everything. 

Well . . .  ALMOST everything.

As in any relationship, there was the occasional moment of conflict. HE never struggled to speak his mind in the moment, but I wasn’t used to that. If I felt hurt by him, I didn’t want to bring it up. 

I had cooked dinner for him that night, and as we sat at the kitchen island to eat, he asked questions and I tried to give my most positive, smiling, interested responses that I could. I didn’t want him to know how I felt, and I was trying to hide it well. 

He finally put his fork down, looked at me, and slowly, gently, said, “Well . . . I can’t eat until you tell me what’s going on.” I must have looked shocked, because I remember feeling that way. Was it that obvious? 

He asked if we could go sit on the couch and talk. It took about ten minutes of crying for me to say one simple sentence, some stupid thing he had done that I felt hurt by. He was quick to say that he wouldn’t do it again, and knowing his character, I knew he wouldn’t. We then talked for a while longer about why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable. People who know my “buttons” can push my buttons, and that’s a lot of power to give someone. 

But it was a bonding experience in our relationship . . . and a lesson I’ll never forget. I couldn’t have asked for a gentler person (guy) to help me through it. 

And here I am again. Four years later. 

I just re-read a text I sent. “Nice, great job on work and your presentation!! And good work on push ups! Glad you’re enjoying your balance board! Class was good.” There were some emojis in the mix, but the general (unintentional) idea was to focus everything on him, and avoid talking about myself. I had answered his question about my class . . . but just gave the bare minimum. Really . . . the very bare minimum. “Class was good.” 

And as I re-re-read it, I finally laughed. I am doing it again. STONEWALLING. I’m avoiding and being evasive. It had nothing to do with class and everything to do with not wanting to connect with him, not feeling safe. And I knew why I didn’t feel safe. 

The past couple weeks had been a series of him not following through on some things he said he’d do. And we recently rescheduled a video chat because he had a lot of prep work to do for a presentation. 

I don’t want to feel hurt. I want to give him the freedom to feel comfortable, and wanted to give him lots of encouragement and time for his presentation (I had texted him the night before that I knew it would be great). But he was the one who would initiate, make the commitments, and then back out. And I felt hurt, disappointed, and unwanted. 

But OF COURSE, I would never TELL him this. Instead, I say a whole bunch of nice, pretty, encouraging things . . . and deal with my feelings of hurt, disappointment, and distrust on my own. In my own safe little space. 

Well, on the world wide web, I guess. 

Tonight I just took some time to process about why it’s so hard for me to admit to hurt. And I realized that I’ve been made fun of in the past for feeling hurt. But feelings of hurt (anger, disappointment, feeling unwanted) are natural responses to perceiving someone doing something wrong. It’s not wrong for me to FEEL that way. 

I guess this is a good time for me to process all of this, because it certainly won’t go away if I ever get into a long-term relationship. It’ll be highlighted. 

And some things I can work on is accepting that I’m going to occasionally get hurt (and that doesn’t make me bad), and I need to be honest with someone about it if I want to be in a relationship with them. 

Instead of being a pokey sea anemone, I think I’m going to try to be a pokey porcupine. Just kidding! :)