Dating Diaries 26: The Best Friend

It’s a lazy Sunday morning during Covid in October. My one day of the week these days to sleep in, take a little more time to make breakfast, and not have anything on the agenda. I could curl up on the couch with a book or movie. I could venture to a quiet scenic place to ride my bike. I love these Sunday mornings. They bring reflection, and with that reflection . . . sitting here on my couch with my hot coffee with a splash of almond milk . . . I’ve been thinking about friendships and dating. 

I joined a young adult group at my church a little over ten years ago, and have some of the best memories and experiences of friendships and dating that I could imagine. 

I was probably in about ten different small groups over that period of time, leading, co-leading, or just being an enthusiastic participant to soak in the fun and relationships. Maybe it’s the hot coffee with a splash of almond milk (hehe!), but I’m feeling nostalgic. 

As I was pan-frying my sourdough bread with avocado oil and flipping eggs in my skillet this morning, a podcast of psychologist Henry Cloud and his wife played from my precariously- lodged Android on the kitchen cabinet handle. 

A caller had asked about having friendships with the opposite gender when married, and both he and his wife were giving their perspectives. Henry shared how thankful he was for the female friends he had.

And I thought back to when I left the young adult group at my church about three years ago . . . a mix of feelings, and maybe misgivings, about having friendships with guys. 

. . . 

“And has that ever worked out for you?” I remember his voice echoed in my head. He was asking about my love life and interactions with guys. Or, commenting on, I guess. He had witnessed the number of guy friends I had had . . . and the fact that many of those relationships had ended. “You’ve done the same thing over and over and . . ." I looked up at him as he slowly, methodically, continued, “over and over and . . .”

“Okay,” I whispered, my eyes downcast. I felt about two feet tall. I let out a deep breath. “I won’t be friends with guys anymore.” I felt defeated. And the sadness of it. But I believed he was right. Every close friendship I had had with a guy had ended . . . in one way or another. I concluded that it was better not to be friends. 

He softened his tone, “Guys are just not looking for a girl to be friends with.” 

And that was it. 

I stopped being friends with guys almost three years ago. Three years ago this December. 

. . . .

This morning I made a list. Nine guys that I had close friendships with in the young adult group. There were plenty more that I was friends with, or in groups with. But I could list nine that we would regularly spend time together as friends, and I felt I could be my completely honest, true self with them. 

And while some of them did express interest in me, they also told me when they liked other girls. One guy took me to go look for an engagement ring for a girl he was dating. Another guy and I sat on a patio in Little Italy, eating pizza, as he admitted his feelings for a girl we both knew. Three of them are married to really good friends that I have to this day. 

I loved these guys like brothers. 

There was a tipping point, though. . .  three years ago, this December. 

When one of those close guy friends became what we both called, “best friends.” He had told me he considered me his best friend, and the moment he said it, I knew I felt the exact same way. We thought alike in so many areas. He was the first person I wanted to tell any updates or personal news to. We could share quick glances and smirks, getting the inside joke, at any social event. It was like we could read each other’s thoughts. And I loved him.

But I didn’t want to date him. 

The day he took me out to tell me about a girl he was starting to be interested in, I was so happy for him. She was such a great girl, and I wanted someone good for him. But we both knew that meant our friendship would change, maybe even end. And it was so sad. 

It lasted a couple more months, and I’ll admit I had a tear session with him. I knew he was getting serious with this girl and our time together was less and less.

We had been going ballroom dancing each week, and one evening on a break we went outside to get some fresh air. We walked toward my car and I popped my trunk and sat on the edge, with the hood hovering over my head as we tried to cool down in the soft breeze of the moonlit evening. And in a vulnerable moment, tears started rolling down my cheeks. “I’m going to miss you so much. It’s definitely going to be a big void,” I finally looked up. Both of us respected each other so much, but also knew that it was time to end it. And I cried. 

It took months to grieve the loss. 

And that’s when I decided that friendships with guys wouldn’t work. Couldn’t work. 

Part of this was because of the hurt I personally felt at losing the friendship. And part of it was that I felt guilty and grieved that I was doing something wrong, hurting someone. I would never want to hurt these guys that I loved so much. And I took on the responsibility for their feelings.

But, after three years of not being friends with guys, I’m not so certain now. Having guys in my life during those years was so life-giving. And I think it was a natural gateway into dating.

It brought balance to my thinking . . . and humor and fun. And to just see men as normal people.

Aren't all of these good things? Well, they were good for ME. But was it also good for the guy?

But here's where I have to let go of taking responsibility for someone else. Those are his feelings and his choice.

There’s certainly a natural shift when a guy gets married, and I think it is true that he is not looking for female friendships after that. But for now, is it okay that I develop friendships with guys . . . and see where those lead? 

Although I had to grieve the loss of the friendships, they were still worth it to me.

And while girls and guys are wired so differently (girls can be so complex and nuanced in their feelings and relationships!), I think there are still guys who value friendships with girls. And would love to have a friendship that could possibly lead into dating. 

And if he’s willing to risk it . . . so am I.